


The Remedy

by meltokio



Category: Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: A buttload of innuendo, Drabble, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-09
Updated: 2017-05-09
Packaged: 2018-10-30 00:33:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10865346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meltokio/pseuds/meltokio
Summary: Or, How Fiona Earned the Quackery Charge





	The Remedy

_"First degree fraud, huh?"_

_"It implies that it was both willful and premeditated."_

_"Grifting and scamming I get, but quackery?"_

_"Fraudulent medicinal practices — "_

_"Yeah, Fiona, I know what it means. I just — how? Did you get caught selling snake oil or…?"_

_"You know, in hindsight, ‘snake oil’ would have been a great name for the product."_

_"I gather there’s a story behind this."_

_"Not one I’m terribly eager to tell. A real dark chapter in the book of my life."_

_"You’re gonna tell it anyway, though."_

_"I was twenty-four, I think. That’d make Sasha nearly twenty. Still a kid in my book, too young to get involved with this sort of business …"_

 

“Felix, I love you, but this has to be the worst idea you’ve ever had.”

He doesn’t even spare her a glance from his good eye as he works, gluing labels onto little blank pill bottles. “When will you learn to trust my judgment? This is safe; an easy win for us.”

“You think these guys won’t know these are sugar pills once they try to…test the validity of our claims?” Fiona straightens the bowtie at her neck, white to match the lab coat she’d pilfered for the occasion. If she was going to act like a professional she may as well look the part.

“That’s why the bottle says _‘allow one week to see results.’_ ”

She frowns, tilting her head to the side. “Fair point.” Felix seems to have covered every contingency. Maybe this con was as easy as advertised. It was certainly safer than scamming crime families or tricking individuals with guns. It’s just not glamorous. Or respectable. Or kid-friendly.

Felix hands her a plastic crate full of pill bottles, a wooden box for a makeshift stage, and a rolled-up banner to advertise their “miracle cure.” Satisfied by her air of credibility, he sends her off to the town square to peddle and pander to the lowest common denominator.

By the time she finishes hanging the banner there is already a small throng gathered, maybe half with any literacy skills to speak of. Fiona takes a readying breath before whirling around and mounting her soap box.

“LADIES AND —— nope, just gentlemen. GENTLEMEN! Do you feel inadequate? Ashamed? Shy? Do you compare yourself to others unfavorably? Do your lovers chuckle when you disrobe?” She pauses as a few of them nod, frown, or glance side to side anxiously for familiar faces. One guy laughs and walks away.

_Ohh-kay, then._

“Well, suffer at the cruel hands of fate no longer! From the makers of ‘Miracle Growth’ hair supplements, I bring you ‘Miracle Growth’…” a barely-contained grimace, “…male enhancement.” She pulls out a bottle of sugar pills out of her coat pocket. “Guaranteed to give you…PRODIGIOUS results in just one week!”

Already a murmur ignites in the crowd, growing and spreading until even more men join the audience. Fiona smiles, big and trustworthy. The salesman smile, debuted selling used runner parts to Hodunks. Perfected by plying placebos to guys with low self-esteem.

“For the low, low price of fifty-seven dollars per bottle, you too can feel yourself…swelling to new possibilities. Do you know what nine out of ten company CEOs have in common? I’ll tell you: they’ve all got massive…talent. Endowed with your own enormous…ingenuity, just imagine what you’ll accomplish.”

“How does it work?” inquires a rare voice of reason in the crowd.

A haughty laugh. “Good question, sir. Top scientists have run several tests and have concluded that a measured mixture of minerals, moon dust, varkid venom, and…bullymong blood have been show to enhance testosterone production in a control group of twenty healthy Pandoran men.”

A few heads nod, as if to confirm their understanding of Fiona’s parade of falsehood.

She continues, chucking the bottle in her hand out to the crowd. “See for yourself! Make your wife and/or husband swoon. Make your friends jealous. Personal growth. Professional growth. Miracle Growth!”

Fiona returns to the caravan, pill stock depleted, both boxes she’d left with full to the brim with cash. Felix grins as Sasha immediately relieves her of one of the crates for counting.

“Do you trust my judgment now?”

“I never once doubted your expertise,” Fiona says, dropping the other box with a huff. “I trusted your vision one hundred percent from the start —”

Felix cuts her off with a a hug, a tighter squeeze than his slight frame should be capable of giving. “You’ve got a real gift, Fiona. I can’t tell you how proud I am.” He pulls away, hands on her shoulders. “You’re going to go far in this profession. Further than I ever could.”

Fiona’s brows dip from the sincerity, a bashful smile pulling at the corners of her mouth. “I just did the job.”

“Whatever you did will feed us and arm us and put gas in the caravan. Take pride in your work, Fiona. I know I do.”

“Thanks, Felix.” She escapes from the candor of the moment by pushing her hair out of her face and tossing a quip like a flashbang grenade. “A lot of guys are gonna be really disappointed in a week’s time.”


End file.
